Alright, well I am officially back! Reloaded, revamped and ready to "Inform & Delight".
A lot has happened since my last post prior to "1+1=..1?" My life has went through an awful lot of changes and experiences since then. For a while my life was at a very "low" point. Struggling for work, a purpose, motivation, and really just a "swift kick in the butt" I ended up doing what a lot of young people do in my place and sign up for the US Military.
Well, I'm on my way out now. The best way I can describe the feeling is being in a dark building with all the windows and doors shut and having to temporarily find a calmness in yourself while you spend all of your time patiently looking for that window or door that will open for you. The light was seeping out of the cracks and outlining the shape of the window that i could see in the midst of this darkness before me. Not to get too excited for I knew I had to still be careful where I stepped and what to feel for so an accident wouldn't happen and keep me in this dark maze that was housing me at this time. Not to completely write off all that was developed in me and learned all along the way while in this place.
It's weird sometimes to realize how certain things come about in your life. As stated in my previous post, " a journey does not advertise much, it just shows you how life really works". After that journey you can't argue it, you gotta take the outcome of all you have been through and learn from your failures and value your success.
Motivation, a purpose, work, a "swift kick in the butt"...yeah i got everything i was searching so hard for at the beginning. The lessons that were taught to me and the realizations that arrived throughout this process have been experiences I will never forget.
As seen in this picture taken by my wife, you see me, opening and standing in the only light that was in this dark room at the time. I do not regret anything I have gone through to get to this point, because the satisfaction, joy and peace that resides in me from making that journey and arriving to this window, could never be replaced. It will always be looked back on and used as a "well" to draw from. But, as I stand there in front of that window looking outward, I don't realize the darkness behind me. My head and eyes stay focused forward and simply bask in the sunlight and whats on the other side waiting for me.
If the chance is there, I would love to thank each individual that was an influence for me all along the way. Hopefully one day that chance will present itself, and I will be fortunate enough to get to say "thank you for this or that" or " you didn't know it at the time but you really gave me this". All that is good and all, but it cant compare to my current task at hand, "getting on the other side of that widow" and being able to look back one day when that happens and tell my kids about the different "rooms" their daddy went threw in that building, what happened to him, and what he learned from it.
It's kinda funny or weird (depending on how you look at it) how inside my self, I feel old. I'm not saying I think I look old or physically feel old, but, just when I sit back and think about my crazy life, I cant wait to retire from it. I literally feel like an old man, bitter in a way, lol, shocked at what all is going on around me, no motivation to try to "keep up" with this fast pace rotation of the world. Even my outlook, tastes, and goals are "old fashion". While at AIT, my friends and I would be talking about random topics and in a sense "passing the mic." and it seemed as if every answer that left my mouth would follow with a reply from them saying " man you're weird, you're like an old man I swear!" It was never really brought to my attention till I got here that ... "yeah, I am..."
One of my buddies here asked me one day in conversation "what are you're goals Murphy, as you get older in life?"...and I sat for a second and thought...well man all I would really want to reach is having a great marriage, big family and sit in that "patriarch" seat. To teach my kids and grand kids things they need to know and be a Godly man, and then man, really just do art." But, sitting there and hearing my answer echo back to me, I thought, why are my goals so much different and "fewer" than every bodies? As i told him my goals, I was opening up my hearts desires and it felt great, and honest. Then realized in a sense, my role in life. I believe that I will get there, why? Because it is my hearts desires and if I seek first the Kingdom of God, He will give me just that.
It's an interesting place in life to be, when you come to a realization about your self and you also realize that you are no where close to being what you thought you were this entire time. Kind of like those dreams you have where you're walking around in school or a public place and every one is talking about this kid who's a "close talker". You keep walking up to people to talk to them about this, because you have no idea who it is...and it isn't until you see the security tapes of you walking up to every one ... and you realize..."oh....I'm the "close talker". That would explain a lot then. lol
But you see my point? That feeling of "AHH, dang it, well what do I do now?" I'll tell you what you do... you make changes. You accept the fact that you were wrong and you do your best to make it right the next time. It has to start immediately though. Do not sit in that dark room and stare out that window the entire time, see what you need to do or where you need to go and start moving. You were looking the whole time for this "close talker" now after realizing its you, you now gotta do everything you can to NOT look like the "close talker". You take a new look at your situation and start putting forth some effort to do what you gotta do.
So, after that conversation with my buddy, changes began to take place. changes that would set me up for becoming who my heart has longed for me to be. I looked at it like this..."well lets see, in what order should I tackle this in?" I figured...the Godly man is a place to start I guess. Now don't think I'm saying now I am a Godly man, all I did was my best to put the Lords desires before my own. I shut up, shut off everything around me and began to listen for his soft voice and gentle nudge of direction. The more that window opened and the light began to shine on things in that room, including myself...the more I began to see what was really around me, and the opportunity arose where I got a "New Look" at my self, and began to see what i was equipped with to help get me out of this dark maze I had been dwelling in for so long.
The cool thing about light is this...it seems so "soft" sometimes and we usually never think twice about how powerful it really is. We always acknowledge darkness don't we? We walk up to a room with the light off or an area with no light...we always point out in some way how dark it is when we describe it. Lets take an "alley" for example. I just proved my point right there, dont know if you caught it or not...I didn't call it a "bright alley" or a "lit up alley"...I called it an "alley" because it is just that. When the "alley" is dark...we always refer to it as "a dark alley".
We give too much credit to darkness being able to change the identity of something, all the time. Why do we over look the fact that LIGHT always , always removes darkness no matter how small the light source. It can be a match, a glow in the dark watch, I don't care where you are you can always use that thing to find your way through a messy room in my case. ;) but it's not until you let light in, then you start to see things for what they really are, and that is my point. You may feel around all you want, use your best judgment on what YOU think it is but the truth is...WE NEED THE ASSISTANCE OF LIGHT to give us that "New look" so we know where to go.